Writer's block

I have a newfound respect for writers. I'm trying to work on my one-woman crucifixion show* and it's much more difficult than I thought it would be. Props to playwrights. It's harder than it looks. (Not that I ever thought it was easy, but.)

And speaking of Jesus and writing, here's an ad in the tube that keeps making me laugh. It's for a book that just came out called The Gospel of the Second Coming and the tagline is: "Jesus is back - and this time he's funny!" How amused am I?

*Sometimes I'm also amused thinking about the random phrases that, when googled, could potentially lead people to my blog. "One woman crucifixion show"? "Lesbian love fest"? Oh, the possibilities...

Part of the problem

You know, when I wrote that "I'm so happy!" entry yesterday, I knew that things were gonna turn around. I mean, that's just part of the way it works. There's always at least a little bit of other-shoe-droppage when things are going well, and the case holds here.

I'm not going to go too much into detail: suffice it to say that over the past day or two, information and emotions have come to light amongst my creation group that the group hasn't been working well, people have felt stepped on, etc. And as I wasn't aware of all these feelings of upset and frustration, I can only assume that I'm more a part of the problem than of the solution.

Resolution for the week: Listen more. Pay attention. It's not all about you.

Walkin' on sunshine, whoa-oh!

I'm so excited by my school at the moment. Here's why:

• I had my voice tutorial with Simon R last Saturday, and it was super great. He is super great. I was a little terrified going in, and sure enough he made me do the kinosphere exercise, but it was really ... well, great. Yay voice.
• Our Company Development class is awesome and we get really interesting, exciting homework assignments. This week we've had to break ourselves into little "companies" and answer questions about who we are as a group, what kind of art we want to make, for whom, why, etc. My group consists of myself, Natali, Agnese, Persefoni, and Baerbel, and I am so inspired by them. Remember when I said I wasn't sure that there were people that shared my artistic vision? That's not entirely the case. I love articulating what we love and feel is important with these girls.
• This week we get to do research into epic short stories to translate to stage. It was suggested that we try to find specific, human stories using a backdrop of major historical events. I immediately thought of Sophie Scholl and The White Rose which, though admittedly non-fiction, still fits the bill. I'll also be going to the library after work to check out some short story anthologies.
• Yesterday was a day that just kept getting better. After a iffy-but-fun presentation and then literally falling asleep under Baerbel's massaging hands in Ilan's class, we had Thomas. He introduced us to solo storytelling, and the technique and adventure and fun of playing all the characters yourself. Our theme for solo improv in front of the class was: you're a ticket scalper at Jesus' crucifixion - what did you see? what happened while you were there? And then we essentially let our imaginations run wild. Mine culminated in a cat-fight between Mary Magdalene and Momma Mary, and I had sooooooo much fun.
• AND! Thomas said if we want to, we can work on these little solo storytelling projects on our own time and perform them for the class and teachers on presentation days! I'm really going to try to work on mine, I think. Diogo has said he can help direct. I'm super excited.

After class, a bunch of us went out to the corner pub and just had a really lovely, laughy fun time. It was the first time I'd really properly been out with classmates since school started, and it was just lovely. I'm tired at work today and my eyes are itchy from my contacts, but I don't mind. I don't mind at all.

The stars know me well...

So this morning on the tube I'm reading my free paper, like you do, and of course end up on the comics/games/horoscope page at the back. And I read my horoscope, just for the hell of it:

LIBRA: Good financial news helps you greet the week with a smile. Resist going shopping, though. It's hardly fair for you to spend all your good fortune before your piggy bank even gets a whiff of it.

"Hah," I thought. "How could I possibly get good financial news today? I get paid on Thursday, it's true, but I know how much that's going to be, and while it's nice, it's nothing unexpected."

When I got to work, there was an announcement on the intranet that our payslips were available for early viewing. I checked it out... and found that it was £200 more than usual. I even called payroll to make sure there hadn't been a mistake... there hadn't. (It was some backpay thingamajiggy - it's only a one-time deal, but still!)

Oh man, do I love the stars today. But it is a bit of a struggle to remind myself that this money needs to go towards my towering tuition bill, NOT towards another peaceworkers weekend... or some boots... or a teal cordouroy jacket...

Bad Isabel. Be responsible. It's hardly fair for you to spend all your good fortune before your piggy bank even gets a whiff of it.

Peacework and Performance

There's no excuse, really, for my prolonged cyber silence of late. There's been plenty going on, and therefore plenty to write about, yet somehow a week has slipped by and I don't know where to begin. We'll start with last weekend.

Last weekend was my Introduction to Working in Conflict course, and it was nothing short of inspiring. I've been interested in peacework since I read some UN volunteers' joint memoir in late summer of 2004, and in international development work for much longer, but it had always seemed like an unattainable goal, intimidating in its sprawl and importance. No longer! Not only do I feel that I have a much better idea of what peacework is and all the different fields and projects it can encompass, I feel that it's something I Could Do. I can do. There were lots of different areas that appealed to me, but some of the ones that have stayed in my mind were short term election observation (as a good foot-in-the-door way to start with peacework), listening projects (helping people to deal with trauma experienced through conflict by simply listening to their stories), and protective accompaniment. This last one in particular really set me on fire. One of our guest speakers was a woman with Peace Brigades International, which is a group that has a presence in Colombia, Mexico, Guatemala, Indonesia, and Nepal. In these countries, there are ordinary people who are doing incredible things for human rights; and as a result, their lives are in danger. Volunteers with PBI simply accompany these amazing individuals as they continue their human rights work, providing an international and conspicuous presence, and making them safer simply through their presence; possibly even saving their lives, however implicitly.

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine living in Indonesia, or Mexico, or Colombia for a year, observing ordinary people do extraordinary things in the interest of humanity, and simply by your presence helping them to continue that work? It gives me goosebumps. It seems like such an amazing opportunity, such important work.

I've signed up for another workshop, this one only day-long, on Civilian Protection. This will go into more detail with the work PBI does, as well as other organisations like them.

As wonderful as last weekend was, though, it has resulted in something of a split: last week I wrote about my Dream Life as an Artist, and last weekend I started to envision my Dream Life as a Peaceworker. They're not neccesarily different lives, but they're very different paths. Does that make sense? I feel that I'm beginning to understand my own potential, and that these things that I've dreamed about truly are possible... and yet. I see two divergent paths, that could meet, but first I have to try one or the other. I can see myself diving into peacework. I can see myself diving into theatre. I can see myself trying to combine the two - but not for awhile yet. What I am certain of is that I would have to/want to do considerably more work in each individual field before I combine them. It's necessary, I think. Because I still don't know what the hell I'm doing when I'm in either world (not a bad thing). And after all, I need to experience it to learn if it really is what I want, in either case.

Another really incredible thing about last weekend was that I got to spend so much time with passionate, intelligent, interesting people... that had nothing to do with theatre. It was a nice change from spending all my time with passionate, intelligent, interesting theatre types. I love the theatre types, don't get me wrong. But I felt I was able to tap into a different side of myself by virtue of being with these other people - a side that I really love, but who doesn't get to come out and play much these days. What can I call her... Good Student Isabel? That's not right... but she's the one who enjoys lectures and group projects and doing well in class and playing well with others. She has her space at LISPA, too, but in a very different way. Maybe Academic Isabel is a more appropriate name. Anyway. It was really amazing to meet people that I share a non-theatre passion with. Very inspiring, and fun. It's a bit of a double-edged sword though, I have to admit, because whenever I bring up theatre (as a tool for development or otherwise) in a non-theatre group, I feel the need to justify myself. People don't take it seriously, or even if they don't dismiss it, they don't quite get it. Similarly, as far as I can tell I'm the only one at LISPA who has a real drive towards international development work. It's a little lonely feeling like noone shares your dream in the same way. But I suppose it's to be expected - as it is, my dream is far from definitively formulated, and I figure the more I am able to articulate what I want, the more people I'll find who fit into it. Or something.

Another battle within the Theatre or Development war is this: if I'm going to be completely honest, I think the theatre I want to make doesn't take place in (enter your developing country of choice here). I want to go to (developing country of choice), and I want to make theatre with them there to the ends of education and communication and joy, but that wouldn't be my theatre: it would be theirs. That's the point. But I want my theatre as well. I want my theatre company that tours the world and does amazing work. It feels selfish, and it brings up that age-old fear that if I choose theatre over peacework then I am a selfish person. And I think this colours my desire to use theatre towards peacework ends: "See? It's worthwhile! It's not just me having fun onstage! It can heal the world!" And it gets tricky, because I think theatre can. And does.

So what's my problem?

That to me, in this moment, using theatre as a tool for peace in the development world would mean that I would be a facilitator of that theatre. And that is important, and that interests me, and I would love to do that at some point, at many points. But I am always passionate about being theatre, making theatre, getting up to my elbows and experiencing and performing theatre, not only facilitating it for others.

Maybe it's a matter of finding space for all of these things.

Maybe I have a lifetime to figure it out.

Maybe this is why I haven't blogged since the workshop - I knew I would get out of control and write an ill-structured essay on My Existential Crisis of Purpose. Yikes.

Anyway. Back to the mundane.

I was also in a cycling accident this weekend. Long story short, my foot kicked off my pedal at the most inopportune of moments, got caught in my front wheel, and I almost got hit by a car. But didn't. But it was scary, and I fucked up my knee, and I've been limping all week. It's much better now, though, and the doctor said I didn't do any permanent damage - no fluid collection in the joint, and my kneecap is where it's meant to be - just hella lot of bruising. Needless to say(?), I've been taking the tube all this week.

We've also started working with masks in Commedia, and I gotta say, it looks like a lot of fun (my injury has kept me from participating in most of the exercises this week). Lots of solo themes wherein several very extreme states are travelled through, often to hilarious effect. (well, when it's done right...) I mean, don't get me wrong... it also looks INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT. But also like it would be fun. Says the girl who never volunteers. Because of her knee.

As a result of the commedia and extreme states of desire and urgency, our creation theme for the next two weeks is Lovers in a Hotel - wherein none of the lovers is there with their spouse, but their spouse manages to be there as well, with their own squeeze-on-the-side. Very farcical, slap-sticky, fun. And my group just happens to be made entirely of women, so we're having fun with our lesbian love-fest. It's kind of a blast. And by "kind of," I mean "totally."

What else? I may have won a trip for two to Italy and a digital camera. Meaning that I actually have won them - I have the winning pieces, but as they were given to me by a friend who didn't want to pay the £20 to claim the prizes (before he knew what they were), I feel like I should share. I'm going to talk to him today and let him know what [we've] won, and see if he wants one of the other. I kinda hope he doesn't want the trip to Italy, though :)

And that's it for my week. But that's enough. More than enough, for now.

Soooo tired

I'm exhausted. It's been a very busy, very draining week, and I feel... well, exhausted. And as excited as I am to be doing this peacework course tomorrow this weekend, I also wish I could have more time to rest.

We've been doing prep work for commedia this week. It's very fun, but immensely demanding, both physically and emotionally. Today Thomas took us through an exercise dubbed "Heaven or Hell" that required everyone to be onstage on their own for 45 seconds trying to convey that they'd just seen a miracle - an angel had appeared to them. It was actually immensely difficult. And today was a day that I would've been more than happy to simply observe, and of course it ended up being a day that we had huge personal challenging things asked of us. No hiding today. And of course I ended up in tears. Again. I'm getting so sick of being the girl that cries all the time.

Anyway. I'm well. I'm just really tired. I'm going to do my reading for my course, and then to bed. More news to follow...

My Dream Life as an Artist

Remember my homework assignment from last week? It's done. As done as it can be at the moment, anyway.

It's a great thing to do. Everyone should do it. In fact, I'll make you a deal - if you do yours, I'll show you mine. And for those of you who've forgotten, here's the assignment:

Write freely and openly about your dream life (as an artist or otherwise.) What do you want to do? What's important to you? Everything from grand aspirations to income to pets can and should be included.

Part two, which is optional - list five specific obstacles you see standing in your way.

I will send mine to whomever sends me theirs.