Recent revelations

I find I want to live in a place with an abundance of nature and trees. I find I want to have children. I find I want to let art flow through me. I find I want to learn how to sew. I find I want to live close to the earth, to grow things that are green and eat them, to make cherry preserves. I find that maybe, not now but soon, it is time to move again.

Prelude to Bite of the Night, by Howard Barker

They brought a woman from the street
And made her sit in the stalls
By threats
By bribes
By flattery
Obliging her to share a little of her life with actors

But I don't understand art

Sit still, they said

But I don't want to see sad things

Sit still, they said

And she listened to everything
Understanding some things
But not others
Laughing rarely, and always without knowing why
Sometimes suffering disgust
Sometimes thoroughly amazed
And in the light again said

If that's art I think it is hard work
It was beyond me
So much of it beyond my actual life

But something troubled her
Something gnawed her peace
And she came a second time, armoured with friends

Sit still, she said

And again, she listened to everything
This time understanding different things
This time untroubled that some things
Could not be understood
Laughing rarely but now without shame
Sometimes suffering disgust
Sometimes thoroughly amazed
And in the light again said

That is art, it is hard work

And one friend said, too hard for me
And the other said if you will
I will come again

Because I found it hard I felt honoured

Lost in the woods

It's been a long time since I've written, and a lot has happened.

Today, I'm drawn to write because I'm terrified. We're several weeks away from the opening of my second Fringe show, and all afternoon I've been feeling something akin to panic. Like I'm not prepared, like I don't know the way, like the golden thread is eluding me and I'm lost, lost, lost.

The irony is: we're taking Red Riding Hood as our point of departure, so the feeling of being "lost" is laughably appropriate. But standing in the thick of it with no path in sight, it feels like no laughing matter.

There's so much inspiration, is the thing, that the problem more than anything at this particular moment may be that I have too much information, and it's obscuring the story that needs to be told. I have this gnawing feeling that I'm overcomplicating matters by falling in love with so many stories, so many themes (Demeter/Persephone, La Loba, Skin walkers), and trying to shoe-horn them all into one. But I don't know what to strip away when they all seem to speak to me so strongly.

I know that I just have to suck it up and make a choice. I know that I need to swallow the paralyzing terror of being lost in the woods and just strike out into the wilderness, move forward, choose a path. I know that is the next step.

So... Take it. Take a breath. Take a step. Start to tell a story and see where it takes you. Right foot, left foot, breathe breathe breathe...

Cat in my Lap

I'm house- and cat-sitting for Avye while she's in Texas visiting Virginia, and though I have to admit to being largely reserved in my affections towards cats in general, there is something really nice about having one curled up in your lap, purring. Makes you want to write a blog entry.

It's been a good day. Actually, scratch that. It's been a day that's gotten better as its progressed. It's always difficult to get psyched up to work on a Sunday, and today was no exception, so that was a bit rough. But my bike maintenance class (second one ever) was super great because I learned how to adjust my brakes and derailleur, and a changed out one of my brake housing and cables so now it works a lot better. It always takes forever to clean my hands after that class, but there's something so great about having gotten them dirty in the first place. I haven't been biking a whole lot lately (an unfortunate side-effect to having a lot of access to other people's cars in the past two weeks), but the weather was beautiful today, and it always feels so good to ride after I've worked on the bike. Like I've really earned the experience of flying down the road on tight tires and a newly oiled chain. It's going to be so depressing when winter comes...

We thought winter had come about two weeks ago, in fact. We had sticking snow, and things were *very* chilly for awhile there. But now we're getting a taste of the autumn we thought we'd missed, and it is good. I even had Pumpkin ice cream at Izzy's with Sarah yesterday to celebrate, and Morgan and Jennifer hosted an Apple Party last night that was also very autumnal.

It's good to be feeling good again. September was a really rough month. I was dealing with a lot of Big Questions (What do I want my life to look like? Where do i want to be? How do I create the art I want to create? Where do I create it? With whom? What IS that art? What am I willing to sacrifice for my art? What am I willing to sacrifice for my relationship? What is important to me?), and, understandably, it felt really overwhelming. It still feels overwhelming, at times, because I'm still struggling with those questions. But I knew that one thing I wanted, and would love, would be to work with Jon Ferguson, and now that's going to happen. In one of the most beautiful venues in the Twin Cities. I am So. Effing. Psyched.

It's also really convenient, because I've always been really drawn to folktales (and have been thinking about them recently as a fertile source for any work I might try to create in the near future), and this show seems to be structured, or posed, as a folk tale. Magical, fantastical, full of wonder, archetypal in many ways, without disavowing the dark underbelly. At least, that's what I'm hoping for. More will be made clear once we start rehearsals in several weeks.

In the meantime, I'm keeping myself busy with a lot of work, a smattering of play, and some volunteering. I'll start my weekly engagement with these guys this week, and will also be sitting in on a rehearsal of BBerlowitz and RRosen's. There's also a possibility of doing the Barebones Halloween show this year, which I've never even seen, and now might be performing in. (! A classic example of volunteering myself before realising how crazy it would make me. Oh well. It's only seven days' commitment.)

I still feel melancholy a lot, and I tire myself out too often and too easily, but the ground is more solid beneath my feet nowadays, even if I'm still not quite sure which planet I'm on. And when things start to feel a bit crazy again, there's nothing like a purring cat in your lap to keep you grounded.

I've been cast!

In this show! I'm so very very excited, for so many reasons, and life is looking a lot brighter...

Good times, good friends

I will admit to partaking in some gratutitous self-pity earlier this evening. To standing alone in the middle of the living room and announcing to the all-too-playful dog, "I'm sad. And I'm angry. And unhappy.", and then numbing out to Cheers re-runs on TV. But then, Matthew called, and I was introduced to Bruce, who took Matt and Harper and I to PBRs and heated discussions and laughter. And Nate and Wexler showed up, and more beers were had, and now it's too late on a school night, and I don't care. Thank God for good times, good friends.

Catch-up post

It's raining in Indianapolis today, and most of my time has been spent in this coffee shop. We have our last two shows in the next two days, and then, early Monday morning, the group disperses and Diogo and I head to Minneapolis.

I'm thrilled to be coming home. This summer has only served to reinforce my view that Minneapolis is one of the best cities around. There is something *very* bittersweet, however, about the ending of this summer. This project and these people have been such a delight... there will definitely be some withdrawal symptoms this fall, I think, as it sinks in that this phase of this project is finished.

And then there's the fact that Diogo's visa expires a week from tomorrow. I've only recently realised how soon it is that he's leaving, and feel a little panicked about the fact. We've talked about the future a lot this summer, but I feel somehow that I'm no closer to a decision than I was before, and he's of the mind and heart that he's always (since Jan) been: he wants to get married. I have so many questions about that commitment still: what it means, if I want it, if I want it for the right reasons. Conversations with Janna and others have calmed me, made me feel grounded, but it's rarely a lasting sensation. Another reason spending time in Minneapolis with Diogo will be good: it will give me another mirror, another way to see us together, myself with him.

(Sidenote: the entire cast spent some time at at Erin's brother's in-laws lake house this week, and one night we all stayed up til 3am while Meredyth did hand readings for all of us. My two lesser life lessons, according to my fingerprints, palms, etc are "emotional authenticity" and "getting out of my head" - both personal challenges that I'm familiar with, and which come into sharp focus, I've found, in an intimate relationship. My over-riding lesson, also relevant and familiar, is that I am enough. Insert Mary Oliver poem here.)

Yes, it's been an interesting, intense summer. L.A. is not my city, I've discovered (or I knew all along), but I'm standing by my decision to move there for this company. There was a period of time (over these last couple of weeks, in fact) where it looked like I might move out as soon as mid-Sept: one of my temp jobs threw me in the path of a very wealthy independent entrepreneur who was looking for an assistant/office manager, and after meeting for coffee he assured me his attorney would be in touch to work out details of my employment. He didn't, however, so it looks like no 40K salary with benefits for me. Ah, well.

I have to admit that I was shocked, though, and how thrilled people seemed to be with me as a temp. I kept being re-requested, and on one gig I was asked for my resume on the second day... is it really that hard to find someone who will show up on time and answer phones semi-proficiently in Los Angeles?! Apparently so.... It gives me hope that I may be able to find steady work fairly quickly upon my return.

Another insane thing about L.A. is the celebrities and the level of wealth. Obvious, I know. But having met a couple of b/millionaires within a couple of weeks, and then having Famke Janssen wander into the firm I was temping with on my first day there, and sharing an elevator with Calista Flockhart at a Target, I was (and am) having difficulty reconciling the reality with the surreality of it all. As I asked my friend Lauren: "Do you ever get used to celebrities wandering around like so many exotic animals in an everyday zoo?" Her reply: "No."

And so it should come as no surprise to me, really, that I breathe easier in Seattle, in the Midwest. And after a summer of sleeping on borrowed beds and fold-out couches, it will feel particularly sweet to be home.