Last night I was sad, and so I listened to the first mix Mike made me and made lots of little paintings. For some inexplicable reason, I felt tremendously lonely. I talked to Carrie about it and, as is often the case, the articulation of the problem solved the problem, in a way. Here's what I discovered.
Many of you knew about my living situation for most of this past year - how I rented a room in an single mother-actress's house and while the house was beautiful and the people were nice and the rent was good, I felt very isolated. Especially seeing all my classmates become best of friends with their housemates around me (or so it seemed from the outside), it made me feel awfully alone. So I think I built up in my head that by living with people this summer, by living with my friends, I would automatically be best friends with everyone, and wouldn't ever feel isolated again.
Ridiculous, right? As soon as I articulated it, I knew that it was an absurd expectation, and that helped me to come to terms with it.
Not that I'll never feel lonely again. With the interminable dragging onwards of this grey weather I'll probably still feel bluesy from time to time. And it's a notable hole in my life that I don't have a best friend here. Simon's here, but I don't get to see him that often, and Gemma, Janna, Avye, and others so close to my heart are terribly, terribly far away.
Maybe I'm just a little homesick for those closest to my heart.
But I'm having coffee with Lyndal after work, and Niamh's back in town, and I've been invited to a party in northern Hampshire with Simon on Friday. And if all else fails, I can always paint more.
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2 comments:
I'll write you a long letter, or at least an email-- I've been thinking about you the closer I get to Minneapolis. I'm sorry you're lonely, but also: it's just loneliness. It may always be with us on some level. I think any thinking, feeling person can't help feeling lonely when we take a step back and look at the big picture. I don't mean to demean your loneliness by waxing philosophical, only to tell you that I think loneliness can be an emotional education if you let it.
I love you so much!
well i finally get my techno-dumb-ass in shape and start to get a blogroll going and favorite and star and rss my friends blogs which i am oh so terrible at checking.... and i finally find you on blogger (thank you! yes, much cooler).... and this is the latest entry.
I'm feeling lonely myself these past few weeks.(realizing that most of your friends were your ex's kinda sucks) i agree with gemma... it is an emotional education for me, one that i think i needed.
I have no words of advice, just an 'in the same boat' remark. and to send you tons of love and promise that i will be a better friend and read your blog regularly now :)
keep painting.
**lovelovelove**
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