I give up.

Disclaimer: it's probably a bad idea to write this entry. I get the sense that writing about things so personal in a forum so public is both an exercise in playing with fire and a recipe for disaster. But if I'm going to be honest about my day today, and about how I'm feeling, then I'm going to have to write about something I don't usually talk about.

That said, here we go:

I keep trying to write about this, but I keep failing. This is my... fourth entry? All the others have ended up erased.

Brian's in a three-person show about old friends reuniting co-starring Garrett and some girl I don't know, and mid "break a leg" email to Brian, I was slammed with severe nostalgia, melancholy, anger, sadness, etc, over all the memories of the three of us meeting five years ago, the memories of wonderful times with Garrett, memories of awkward times with Garrett, and memories of the shittiness and heartbreak and pain as I was effectively cut out of his life. None of this was mentioned in my email to Brian, because I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to drag him into this, and with one forgivable exception I've stayed true to my resolution. But you know what? It's shitty. It's shitty to have one of your dearest friends just stop calling. It's shitty to be stood up by them when it looks like things are going to have the chance to be okay again. But it's even shittier to feel like you're supposed to follow their lead and cut them out of your life as well; shouldn't mention them, and shouldn't acknowledge their existence, let alone how much they meant to you.

I should mention here that this has nothing to do with Brian, and everything to do with me. Brian's wonderful. Brian's wonderful enough that I really don't want to put him in an awkward position by making him listen to whatever Garrett-related angst I may have. And in fairness, I don't really have it anymore. It was just the combination of them being in a show together, and that show being about reuniting old friends, and that show having a two-boys-one-girl cast of three (which was essentially... well, it was us that summer. To me, it was us. Though I know nothing about the show itself and the relationships between those characters, I keep feeling like I'm that girl). This triple-whammy kind of made it all come roaring back.

I hate that friends get lost sometimes. I hate that circumstances, or misunderstandings, or whatever turn a seemingly unshakeable friendship into ether. I hate the sense of abandonment, and the always wondering if I could've done something different. Most of all, I hate that I feel lame for still caring.