My head feels clearer today than it has in weeks. I still haven't talked to the school, or to my boss about the fact that I won't be able to extend my contract (and may actually have to cut it short), but I'm feeling more confident, more okay, than I have in ages. This might have something to do with the fact that the dam finally, genuinely broke yesterday, resulting in a two-hour crying jag which took me from work through central London and into my first hour of school. I feel like it washed me clean. Like I had to break to heal again.
Creation last night was also really productive and great. We finally know what our story is, and have so many ideas of how to tell it. I have so much faith in my creation partners and in the potential of this piece. Most importantly at the moment, I feel like I've found my faith in myself again. When you're in a place so dark and small and exhausted as I have been the past couple of weeks, you start doubting the things that are usually so clear - I started thinking that maybe I didn't belong at this school, that I wasn't able to make theatre, that I didn't have any particular talent or skill or anything to offer, that I wasn't anything special or helpful or useful. But again last night, I was able to contribute to the group, to be excited about our work together, to be and give myself again. It felt so good. I was literally giddy with relief by the end of the evening. Thank God. I had been so scared that I wouldn't find my way again.
Not that I'm out of the woods yet. I'm fully aware of the dangers of a false sense of security and I'm going to try my hardest to take the necessary steps now to make sure this type of melt/breakdown doesn't happen again next week/term/year. But in this moment, I'm looking forward to only a week more of rehearsal-only, shorter days, and I'm very, very glad to be back.
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